Abduction (2011)

I’m definitely not within a demography that this movie had targeted. And it should be obvious what was this movie’s demography target is. In fact, I’ll go one notch further to conclude that this movie would’ve been only interesting if you’re a) coming as a Twilight fans, b) a high schooler, especially girls, or c) somehow you’re convinced that Taylor Lautner is an action star in the making. Clearly, someone in Hollywood with enough cash to produce a feature length movie think that he is. Me? Well, suffice to say that even if I happen to have a fifty million bucks lying around collecting dust and fungus, I would’ve laughed at the idea and kicked whoever brings the idea out of my door, and sent my hounds to chase him away for good measures.

First of all, I was offended by this movie. In one scene of the movie, one of the principal cast commented on Taylor Lautner’s character appearance. “It’s Matt Damon meets … you.” Honestly, I was offended by this very statement. Not because of their physical appearance comparisons, I don’t give a rat’s ass about that, but it was the not too subtle hint that to movie wants, or hopes to be this generation’s Jason Bourne. Now I’ll say this, if “Abduction” is meant to be this generation’s Jason Bourne, somebody please travel back to 2007 and kill me after I watched “The Bourne Ultimatum.”

Contrary to what the title had suggested, nobody gets abducted in this movie. Well, unless you categorized what had happened to this movie’s damsel-in-distress as an abduction. But I think even that was a bit of a stretch. Taylor Lautner is a nineteen years old (believe me, I put the dates from scenes and read his character’s birth certificate) high school senior. On a side note, most of my peers had graduated high school before they turned eighteen so what the hell happened there, Taylor? Whatever. Judging from few short and shallow scenes that follows, he is not what you’d say a popular high schooler, but his life was pretty good. Nice home, nice family, and a hot classmate-slash-childhood friend living just across the street, all provided, all cared for. One day, by at least two simplified (if not implausible) coincidences, he started to question his origin about who he was, yadda-yadda-yadda, those kind of things. Soon after, he had to flee, with the ever-competent, omnipresent, but understaffed CIA and a group of mercenary, yapping at his heels for something that he apparently has. You know what, scratch that ever-competent and omnipresent part. Any professional should’ve been able to round him and immobilize him within an hour.

I’ll give credits when credits are due. Taylor Lautner actually wasn’t that bad when it comes to action scenes. Not an A-level material, but good enough to warrant a C, or a C+ if you’re feeling a bit generous. That wasn’t say much, eh? Well, I tried to give some small condolences to my old self who had foolishly spent a hard-earned cash to suffer through this movie. However, ask him to act, nay, ask him to merely speak, and the illusion falls apart. Utterly. Completely. Falls apart. This guy seriously cannot act to save his life. I had literally tried to stifle laughter whenever the camera pans on him with his “ferocious” stare of his and for every single syllable that came out of his mouth. And seriously, what was that with the ending? If I could have my say, the ending is an insult to action genre movies. Any action movies. After all, by nature, action movies are usually meant for boys and really, if I’m understanding teenage nowadays clearly, there should be very little boys out there who would lined up to name himself a Taylor Lautner fan. Therefore, this movie, as I understand it, was meant for girls. So yeah, imagine a PG-13 action movies for girls. Ewwww, right?

All in all, if you don’t have a poster of shirtless Taylor Lautner hanging on your wall, please, please, don’t even bother to watch this crap. Not even on a cheap pirated DVD. My sympathy to Maria Bello, Alfred Molina, Jason Isaacs, and Sigourney Weaver to have their names attached to this sorry excuse of a movie. I understand that economy was shit nowadays so whatever it takes to put food on a table, right? Again, my sympathies.