G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Some would defend G.I. Joe: the Rise of Cobra as justifiable, or good enough film for it warrants a trip to memory lane back to one’s childhood when the cartoons, the toys, and particularly in my case, the video games that features the imaginative super soldiers called Joe, or Joes in plural are still in high demand. But please, as much as I want to give the film such privilege to escape the very true nature of this film’s existence in the first place, the fact remains that this film is pretty shallow, with laughable, stone-rock characters, that delivers one-two punch line as in reading from a cue cards which instead of being witty or funny, is really painful to hear, and a rapid sequence of scenes I almost felt like I saw flash cards instead of moving pictures. The only consolation and perhaps the only reason that this film is going to rake a significant amount of audiences in its *first* week of air is perhaps because this film features a lot of action sequences. However, if you’re like me, once the film is done with its *first* forest sequence, you’ll get bored. Oh, stretch that enthusiasm until Paris, I give you that. Now if you done with Paris and still entertained with the subsequence action sequences, then I’m sorry to tell you, but you ain’t worthy enough to talk films with me. Shooo, go waste somebody else’s time.

A technologist, McCullen is developing a new type of Weapon of Mass Destruction. He presented it in front of Nato and somehow got it delivered to Nato from his factory base in Kyrgystan. Now, who the hell gave them a go and funds to develop such weapon anyway? U.S. of A? When they’re supposedly keeping the world clean of WMD (point in case, Iraq, North Korea)? I know, it’s only in movies, but hey, I’d love my movies to be based on reality, thank you. Anyway, en route to the Nato base, where our established hero (or heroes), Duke and Rip are in charge, the convoy was attacked by mysterious group who were in possession of some high-tech military stuffs. Soon, the forest lit, and the body count starts to pile. These mysterious group intention is of course, the WMD and for the whole two hours, we’re _entertained_ with some of the most ridiculous dialogues, some of the thinnest plot, and some of the stiffest characters ever graces on the screen for a quite some time.

Now I’ve learned that in the context of G.I. Joe’s universe, in which I don’t have a tiny bit of knowledge, the film has lot of trimmings and adjustments. For instance, Snake Eyes’ vow of silence. But I won’t dwell into that, and tried to judge the film by its merit as it is presented in front of my eyes by Stephen Sommers.

This film has been advertised as “the film that directed by the dude that directed ‘The Mummy’,” and there’s more than enough similarity between the two to notice. There are at least two actors that appears in “The Mummy” and appears in this film, that’s one. The film’s formula pitted a hard-headed lead actor with a clown partner, and the clown, is an epic fail for he thinks he is funny but in truth, he’s just pathetic, that’s two. And, apparently everyone in this film, be it friends or foes are somewhat related. Small world, indeed. Oh, and it has a significant amount of time prowling in the desert, too.

My biggest problem with this film (if you asked if there is a part where it wasn’t a problem, I’d say no. Even Sienna Miller can’t offer much to help) is the script. Okay, the plot (who the hell in the right mind wants to give a couple of rookies in charge of multi-million dollars of equipment with minimal-to-no supervision?) as well, oh, okay the characters aren’t much to be liked, as well. But, oh, my biggest problem is the script. There’s this discussion in a hall-way about who was behind the shenanigans. You know, it was an informal discussion much like you had in your office while you have your coffee-break. One character gave his theory, and voila. Everyone agrees. Did anyone care to investigate? No. Did anyone has a sudden urge to report to his superior? No. It was agreed and settled that the culprit is must be him. And then there are punch-lines. They were t.e.r.r.i.b.l.e and they’re delivered with such passions that even Pluto aren’t cold enough. At one point, when Baronness smirked while she delivered her punch-line, I was *this* close to bump my head at the wall. Seriously. It rivaled those fart dialogues in “Disaster Movie.” I know that Sommers wanted to create a fun film, thinking-not-required summer blockbluster with a lot of explosions and near zero of relevance but this, oh, I don’t know, this is far below my expectation and I had a fairly low expectation.

Finally, during the final action sequence, I felt like I’m playing one of my XBox 360 game. Its unnatural colors, ridiculous choreography, rotating angles are nauseating. Well, at least when I played video game, I had a total control.

My rating: 1/2 / **** – Half rating for Ms.Nichols for being there. Sigh, I’ve always fall for red heads, I don’t know why.